Meandering down the road of life

            I don’t know if I believe in fate. I do know that the choices we make take us on a journey but is the destination pre-determined? Am I single with no prospects because that’s the plan or did I take a wrong turn? I’ve never liked having religion shoved down my throat and that is a whole other topic for another day. But my mother always tells me that God is preparing the man I’m going to marry. I don’t know if that makes me feel better or worse. He really needs that much preparation?

            I find that while I have a general idea of where I want to end up in my life, some people have taken exception to the road I have chosen to travel. And that bothers me. I have a college degree in a topic that has always interested me because at 20 years old, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I don’t think we should expect kids to make that kind of decision. Look at the number of people who choose a career path, get their degree and then a few years in they hate what they are doing.

            I know what I want and it seems simple enough. I want to write, hopefully someday be published. I want to get married to the love of my life. I’m a hopeless romantic. And I hope that there really is someone out there for everyone, otherwise I have a long road ahead of unfulfilled dreams.

And I really want to be a mother. It’s been hard this last year being around my niece every day because it made me realize how badly I want to be a mother. When I say I want a baby, people always have an opinion. The one that bothers me the most is when they say “No, you don’t. They are a lot of work.” Really? I had no idea.

            I’m not a moron and I know how much work and energy being a parent requires. I also know that I was born to be a mother. But I don’t want to be a mother alone. I want someone to share that with, to take turns, to turn to when it just seems like a little too much for one person to handle.

I asked my sister the other day where is my guy? When’s it going to be my turn? Why should my personal choice to not sleep around stop me from finding that special someone? (Although the last was said in less delicate terms but we’ll make it a little nicer.) And I know it’s hard for anyone to answer those questions because it’s almost impossible for me.

            Then I think that maybe I’m hiding in my books and in the stories I have created. But can you blame me? Cheating and lying, backstabbing and rumors, innuendos and games are what a lot of relationships seem to be about. I know there are good relationships out there and I’m not jaded but I’m terrified. And sometimes I just get sad. It’s those sad days that are the hardest. The ones where I just want someone to talk to or lean on, someone to hold my hand or kiss my head, to have someone there so I know I’m not alone in this big, scary world. But all you can really do is sit and wait, live and hope, laugh and dream.

            So here I sit, in my little corner, waiting, living, hoping, laughing and always, always dreaming, that one day my turn will come.